The people in your neighborhood

Not too long ago the wife and I went looking around Ogden to see what was available in the way of housing. We have a nice place right now, but we figured there was no harm in saving a few more dollars a month if we could. (Note: you know you are pathetic when you are looking for somewhere cheaper than government-subsidized housing.) Enter the Park Avenue Apartments. At a flat rate of $300 dollars a month for a studio apartment, how could we afford NOT to live there?! So we called and made an appointment to see the place.

We made it there and met the manager. He was a large Latino man with a shaved head and lots of tats. But he was really nice, so hey, why not see the place, right? Actual quotes from the tour.

"Last night we had a water main break and flood someone's room. That's what this taped off area is all about. But that's one of the perks of living here: 24-hour maintenance when you need it!" When? That's a somewhat discomforting certainty you just implied.

"Here is the patio. You can relax out here, and no panhandlers will bother you. Nobody's going to sneak in and ask you for money." Oh. Good.

"Here is the laundry room. You just put your laundry in here, put your quarters in here and come back in an hour and your laundry will still be here! I swear!" I have to admit, knowing my laundry will be where I left it is pretty high on my list of must-haves for an apartment.

"This is the mail room. Nobody's going to steal your mail. We do a background check on everyone that lives here and we don't let criminals live here." I guess a no-nonsense stance on identity theft is a plus, too. Maybe the place next door lets those things slide.

"The other day I caught one of the tenants allowing some of his friends off the street to stay here. And I kicked them out. I say to them, I don't run no stinking homeless shelter! Go now!"

Upon seeing the room, I think I could best describe it as. . . comfy. The "studio apartment" (kudos for proper apostrophe usage) that was advertised was about as big as a typical primary classroom at your local LDS church. The bedroom was partitioned off from the living room with a folding wooden screen. A small, hotel-like bathroom was attached. There was a mini-fridge and a countertop. And that was it.

"If you wanna cook, it works great to just plug in a hot plate and make some soup! Or you can go to the convenience store next door and buy food. Residents get a 10% discount."

Yes, the Mexican ethnic convenience store. Because I can't tell you how often I get an insatiable craving for lukewarm chorizo sausage and jalapeno pork rinds. It will go great with the EasyMac we can make on our hot plate!

"There are no drugs here. We have security cameras everywhere, so if someone brings in drugs or steals stuff, we will know about it and kick them out."
No drugs? Then why are you next door to a Mexican convenience store? And how else do you expect to keep people living here?

He was right about one thing: he does not run a homeless shelter. Homeless shelters provide complimentary soup to their tenants.